Dr. Seuss

© Richard Goldman, 2008

My family doctor (whose last name is Seuss)
On my most recent visit did not have good news
He said "It's now time -- mend your ways, change your life
Spend more time at home with your son and your wife.
(I said 'My -- my oh my.')

The doctor then listed, to bottom from top
the list of my ailments -- I wished he would stop
Before his soliloquy came to a head
It seemed quite a marvel I wasn't yet dead
(He said 'My -- my my my.')

Remember those days you spent out on a roll?
The years of hard drinking have taken their toll
Your stomach is bleeding, and speaking of blood
Your red blood cell count's not much better than mud

Your bodily fluids aren't flowing so well
Your kidneys are shot and your lungs look like hell
Your tendon's aren't bendin' the way tendons should
And your bones are as brittle as kindling wood

(Then he said)
I know it sounds revolting
But it appears as though you might be moulting
All this hard living -- it's just gotta stop
Or one day, real soon now, you're going to drop

Your flat feet are covered with fungus & bunions
Your liver'd be more useful fried up with onions
You spleen, well, we really don't know what it does
But yours appears ruptured, & covered with fuzz

I've really no wish to be throwin' a curve
But that pain down your leg is the sciatic nerve
It seems that you really are down on your luck
'Cause those spinal discs look more like air hockey pucks

There simply aren't sufficient diagnoses
To understand all of your fears & psychoses
Medical science just cannot explain
The reasons for all of your aches & your pain

Your digestive enzymes are all out-of-whack
Your heart, well it's now poised to up & attack
Cholesterol's up and libido is down
Not even Viagra would bring you around

He put down the chart & then looked in my eyes
But what he said next took me quite by surprise
He said 'The bottom line is that you shouldn't be here
So, please, treat yourself well and we'll see you next year.'